Personal Attacks!!
Blogging has opened a whole new world for us to say what is on our minds freely; it has given us an opportunity to voice out opinions that we did not before and it allowed us to communicate with people across the globe, isn’t technology great??
It is a good thing to be able to debate and maybe change one’s convictions about some of the beliefs he/she has and blogs about; this only happens when the debate takes place among mature individuals who stick to the main topic and discuss it in pure objectivity might their point get through and prevail.
Unfortunately; what is happening is quite the opposite, when someone writes about any topic, you find some of the commenters leaving the main issue and attacking the writer and trying to make him/her look bad and that he/she has issues that forced them to be like that. This can be true in some cases but it does not apply to all cases.
People reading some of my previous posts accused me of generalizing, of being bitter because I am overweight, angry because I am still single, unhappy because I am visually unappealing and that’s why I attacked men in my post. Some of the comments that were not approved said that I need a man and that I need to have kids and that I was a bad example for women in Jordan; all that because I voiced out my opinion and said that SOME men are jerks.
If you go to someone’s house and use their own space to sit and eat and do whatever a guest does, do you stand in the face of your host and start calling them names? Do you attack them because they do not agree with you or if they state out their opinion in general? What makes blogs any different? This is my space and I am entitled to say whatever I want on it, and I am not hiding myself; it does not give anyone the right to come to my space and attack me personally while hiding behind a fake identity and an unknown IP; things do not and should not be like that.
You don’t like what I am saying; that is your right and I cannot deny that or take it away from you, but discuss rationally, show me your point without insulting me or trying to make me look bad on my own blog, you do not have the right to do that!!
Some of the readers were kind enough to answer the bashers and try to explain to them that things don’t work this way, for that, I thank them and appreciate what they did and tried to do.
I never generalized, show me where in particular did I say that ALL men or Arab men are not worthy? You have read that in the comments and not in the post. This episode started when Qwaider accused us (Arab Women), or girls of today as he puts it, of wanting soft boys to marry and forgot about the real oriental man; I was simply giving him examples of reasons why the “Arab Oriental” adjective was not that appealing to some of us. Reasons that can apply to a large sector of Arab men in our society and I never said ALL, do you hear that? I never said ALL, yet; I was accused of generalizing.
The two stories I added later were also examples of my real life to support what I said earlier , and like you have many positive stories from your own experience, I still have tens of stories like the ones I mentioned.
Many of you forgot the main issue and attacked me getting too personal and saying things that have no truth to them; to those I say: your comments will not be published as long as they are disrespectful, if you don’t like that, don’t visit my blog, don’t read what I say and most importantly; do not leave a comment unless you are prepared to take responsibility for it; be accountable and say who you are, then you will be more than welcome to give your opinion. Speaking of your opinion; if it did not contain value to add to the topic at hand; it will not be published either; this is my blog and I call the shots here.
Back to GOOD OLD ARAB GUYS out there; some of you are jerks just like all the men in the world, and some of you are great people, however; we all know that bad things always are more apparent than good things. I did not mean to offend all of you; I just wanted to point out to Qwaider and everyone else who commented on his blog and mine that men share responsibility and blame for the dysfunctional relationships and marriages that we have in our society today; that’s all and I hope you get the point now, end of story … turn the page please!!!
September 30th, 2006 at 9:37 am
Khalidah, and this may be something that others would be interested in too, I’ve learnt through years of online discussions that one shouldn’t take what gets said over the internet very seriously because I believe what matters in the end is how people interact face to face.
Online discussions whether on blogs, bulletin boards, emails or chatrooms can get quite intense with people having more room to be brutally honest and uncompromising. A person dropping a comment on your blog will go through a complete different thought process if they were standing in front of you when they say something. You might think person X is a complete asshole only to find that they are extremely polite in person.
I’m not saying people are cowards who can’t say something to each other’s face. What I’m saying is that people want to be nice and polite in general and when they’re not in front of you, and especially when they think it can stay that way, they have more freedom to be rude.
What I said is something that most people observed already, but the one thing that most people will forget is what this means in terms of tweaking our sensitivity to other people’s words during this discussion. I think we should be less sensitive to personal remarks that get said over the internet than ones that get said with people that we have significant real world relationships with.
I understand your comparison of personal blogs and people’s homes where others are guests. But you have to realize two things:
1- What I said above about people having more freedom to be rude when they’re talking to you behind monitors and through keyboards.
2- That you can think about that comparison in another way. A lot of readers will probably compare your blog to a window between your house and theirs which you can open and talk through and use as a channel of communication. So it’s not entirely that they’re a guest in your house, to them you can also be the guest in their home, in some way.
Finally, there’s always what’s right, and there’s always what’s happening. I think this is a case where the right is not gonna always happen and you have to smarly deal with that. And I think the right way is by not allowing personal remarks over the internet to get to you. Treat them like noise; they don’t matter, because whoever said them didn’t know you enough in person for their opinion of you to have much weight.
September 30th, 2006 at 10:21 am
Khalidah,
We often tend to approach sensitive issues based on personal experiences and by doing so we might be giving others the chance to jump to conclusions and make jugdements on our character (e.g., if she had a bad experience in her relationships, she is assuming that everyone out there is this way, her past experience left her bitter, her relationships were not successful because she’s feisty, she’s not pretty, she’s bla bla bla, etc.) …what people seem to forget is that our experiences do shape who and what we are and that they have to respectful of the differences!
Each has their own way of approaching issues and dealing with them; personally I tend to find your way of discussion and sharing your opinion very balanced!
Take care!
September 30th, 2006 at 10:31 am
Khalida,
I tried to leave this comment a few days ago, but my connection went dead just before I could post it:
I’m sorry to see you becoming the target of personal attacks. It seems that the Jordanian “blog-o-sphere” has gotten rather confrontational lately. It used to be that there was more of an atmosphere of mutual respect. If people don’t agree with you, they should challenge your ideas, not insult you personally.
Please don’t forget that those of us who know you love you.
September 30th, 2006 at 11:30 am
…and don’t forget MY HUSBAND said you were a knock-out! He is a gentleman, and said it with dignity and respect toward you, enjoying the beauty God used to create you.
I’m very sorry for the personal attacks…but when guys are challenged in their area of weakness, they generally attack instead of acknowledging it. It is a guy thing, not just an Arab guy thing.
It is funny to be typing this, as I have challenged Christian American guys to learn something from the way Arab men romance and pursue women.
But to be honest, I find the Arab guys stop it on the wedding day, which is when the American guys start learning it. I have a dozen friends, some here, some who went back to the US,who were amazingly romanced and married Jordanian men only to discover it was a big facade.
But there are some great marriages out there…the bloggers El3atal and Issam Smeir are two examples who consistently model partnership and mutual respect in their marital on=line stories.
When I was single, I used to think all the good guys were married. Then I realized it was marriage that made them great guys, and made their wives great women. It changed what I looked for in a man…and although it took until I was 31, it was worth it.
God bless you with the right man, at the right time, Khalidah. He probably isn’t ‘ready’ for you yet.
QWAIDER…I’m going to start praying for a wife for you too!
September 30th, 2006 at 1:29 pm
Dear Khalidah,
In the past I used to shout when I couldn’t convince someone especially my mother and sisters,and I’m sure I was to be the same if I was married, then I realised that this was because I was the weak point,after that I learned that when you have a point you have to defend it without shouting or accusing others of something,Im saying this to remind you that those who attack you personal are weaponless, they can’t defend their points of view.
I join my voice to your to turn the page, we can’t please everybody, and who said we should,we are different, and we should be that way, difference is richness.
Oh God.
September 30th, 2006 at 4:13 pm
Hey Khokha! Come on … everyone loves a little meat around the bones… Sholli overweight ma overweight … You’re … Curvy … that’s all!
Look, I went and read the comments again, and most of the time they were harmless and were not directed to you personally. Now I have no idea what went on “unapproved” but from what I saw, even the worst of them wasn’t that bad
And, you know where I stand on generalizations, I am not going to be a hypocrite and say, I don’t generalize. I do, all the time, I have the right to, without denying it. So I don’t view it as a negative!
Listen, I didn’t accuse Arab women of anything, I was QUESTIONINING what they want, but that is a side point. I was more importantly Defending the Arab men, and ideology. And I left it the choice to women. I didn’t accuse women of anything
Now, who’s attacking you? Why don’t you openly say who and what… ? Is it possible that you’re taking it out of proportion? Is it possible that you misinterpreted something as a personal attack? Are you being too sensitive?
The battle of the sexes has been raging for millennia …. we’re not going to end it with a little discussion
I just like to see you refer to “Men” and not “Arab Men” when it’s a generic Male issue.
September 30th, 2006 at 4:22 pm
I hope that I’m not that oriental
September 30th, 2006 at 7:34 pm
[...] Inspired by Khalidah’s post on Personal Attacks, and Hamzeh’s comment… [...]
September 30th, 2006 at 9:00 pm
the issue of debates and clashes…..!!!
my fav.
Dear Khokha,
if you remember, I used to tease you of being racist and sexist and biest, you should remember that every one of us (incloding me) is a sexist, racist and biest in some if not many issues…..!!!
having said that the fact is every one is entitled to thier opinions, wither they differ, contradict, or oppose our’s, they have the right to have as much as we to our’s, now we create our blogs to share or vent our thoughts and mind, spell them out to others whom are mostly strangers to us and of different backgrounds, this enviroment is perfect for debates and diversity of ideas…..!!!
now what if some one attaked you, it means that you hit a nerve that they felt compelled to react uppon, although the reaction can be mild, most of the time due to lack of “Authoritirization” (I made that one up) people tend to gain fake invenciblity that allow them to express their true parasymp-reactions, what I wanna say is, the personal attacks are a good indication that you’re a good writer/blogger enough to force people to react to what you have to say…..!!!
so what if they attack me, FUCK ‘EM, I know I’ll still be writing what I want regardless of what they say and that’s what should matter to you….
good luck, and keep up the good work, and continue to be just yourself, you know we love you for who are….
nough said…
September 30th, 2006 at 10:47 pm
Kalidah
I used the word generalization in my comment but it was not aimed at you,it was to make you understand my point of view,inshalla te3damini ya rab iza z3elti minni,7abeebty khaildah..
the day i joined here i noticed how much everyone loves and respects you and we all still do..now forget about one bad comment and think of all the people who love you here.
haik il internet ya khalidah..wherver u go no matter what u do you will always find this person who finds gratification in hurting others,its not ur fault its his fault and it is his problem(psychological one akeed)
now i wont add more coz i can see very good comments here..khalidah mwaaaaaaaaaa..( wallahi ana female mish male mitl ma ana kaman wa7ad 7awal y2ool 3ani..so accept this mwaaaaaaaa w inti met6ammneh)
September 30th, 2006 at 11:00 pm
hi khokha,
To me it is sad……..the way we get personal at each other .. really sad…. you know? sometimes I wonder where people get these impressions from… sometimes I read a post and I love it and think it was well written yet at the comments people seem to just wanna oppose! It is like they just wanna get offended and start attacking others… I personally hate it.. I said it once at a post and will say it again.. LET US not get personal at each other.. it is simply STUPID … we can make better points by opposing someone’s post but NOT THEM.. it is so UNHEALTHY!
Once again I should mention that I love the way you write
nice intro..
Thanks Khalidah
October 1st, 2006 at 12:02 am
ya khokha seebak mn kol halnas kolha… check my last post
soon inshala
http://wedadf.jeeran.com/archive/2006/9/100506.html
look at the commenter name and the website http://www.wedadsucks.com
when i saw them i laughed u kol ma a7ki la 7ada bafrod do7ok, coz they are sick nafsian…
love you and what all u said about arab men are true……but as what kinzi said not all and waht u said kaman..wait for my wedding day and u’ll see my man
October 1st, 2006 at 2:57 pm
Hamzeh N,
You really have a good point here, but I think that interacting via internet should not be any different than real life and same standards and values must apply; otherwise it will turn into a big mess …
I did not respond to the published comments; I did rather to the blocked ones as they were disrespectful and getting too personal and insulting
Iman,
Thank you so much for your opinoin … sometimes you talk about a certain topic and comments turn it into something completely different … that’s why I always say that the written word is far more dangerous than the spoken one .. because there is room for prediction on the reader’s part as to what was the emotion with which the word was written
Rebecca,
It seems that some intruders are sneaking in … I agree with you that it is getting confrontational and ugly at times .. thank you for your comment ..
Kinzi,
Thank your husband for me
I really did not write this post in an attempt to feel better with nice comments although I really do .. but I wanted to point out that anyone is entitled to disagree with me .. but in no way they are allowed to insult me .. that is completely out of the question
Thanks a million
Eyad,
Thank you so much for understanding what I wanted to say in the first place … it is good to have male support on the issue
Qwaider,
Thank you for the complement … it is all your fault any way .. kidding
I do not know who the comments owners are and I really do not care to know .. if they were brave enough and really believed in their points of view .. they would have come forward with it so openly and in front of all .. not by hiding behind a nickname and a false IP address … some of these comments were really insulting and I don’t want my readers to see garbage on my blog
As for men Vs Arab men .. can we please agree to disagree Qwaider? I don’t want to start another debate about this issue .. end of story
Moey,
Exzombie,
You are absolutely right .. but I had to point a few things out about the difference between debating something and attacking and insulting people involved
Mala2e6,
7abibty ma ba2dar az3al minnek … I was referring to other comments and things that were not published
I am sure you are a nice lady because khiffet hal dam .. akeed 3ala bint
Ramroom,
ya hala wallah .. weinek min zaman?
Thank you honey for the nice words … I really appreciate it
Wedad,
I know you can relate as you have been under attack lately .. ma3lesh .. these things happen and let them say whatever they want .. it all sounds like bla bla bla
What is the story behind the wedding? and soon? we have to talk
October 1st, 2006 at 9:23 pm
I’ve been sucked up into work lately
I did pass by from time to time though 
October 1st, 2006 at 9:38 pm
“unhappy because I am visually unappealing”
Khalidah,
I have to take issue with this statement. I saw your picture among the photos of the last Jordan Planet meeting. It portrayed an attractive, alert young woman with smiling eyes. Please don’t denigrate yourself because of a few fools.
October 23rd, 2006 at 9:33 am
Hey Khalidah, sorry for the late reply but life has been busy lately and I was not spending much time over the Internet. I think that you are raising good points Khalidah. Unfortunately, women have a harder life and way more challanges in our part of the world. In Qabanis words: “Arabs men only accept the stardom role.” However, I think that you have a saying on this and I am glad that you are educating all men out there to be gentelmen toward women.
P.s Kinzi thanks for the compliment
October 23rd, 2006 at 8:49 pm
Khalida,
I can sypathize. There are times that I push the line in my posts just to get people to think beyond the cultural norm. Some people will always read way to into it and have a fit. You have to have tough skin in order to change the world.