Hating what you love

One thing I hate about my life and still living at home is having to deal with my parents. I really do. I mean I love them and I really respect them. They are my family and only people I have in my life, but my mom especially really pisses me off. I know she is ashamed of me and can’t stand the way I look and hates the fact I am useless and I live at home. I mean the only reason I go to work and staying at my job is to stay away from them all day! The problem is that I wish work was longer. Maybe 8 am till 10 pm! That way I won’t have to deal with her criticism and constant bickering towards me. I am not perfect, I am not pretty, I am not skinny, I am not a typical Arab girl who only cares about marriage since the age of 18. I am totally different. I mean I wish I can explain to her my suffering of the past and hate towards this whole commitment and love crap. She keeps wondering how could I have spent all these years in University and have not met anyone like “everyone” else. How I can’t find anyone. Then she wonders why I never go out or meet people. I spent 3 years not going out with anyone, just kept a low profile alone.. from work till home, vise versa.

This was my life. I wanted to be alone and to suffer alone. I just wish I could explain my story, and not have to suffer constant criticism. The problem is I can’t tell my story, and I cannot explain the fact that I was with someone all these years and ended in nothing. There will be absolutely no understanding, nothing. Not only that, my parents couldn’t understand or even fathom the idea of me working. They hated it and yet I was the only one helping. They hate the fact I make more money than my brother who is married and 4.5 years older than me who still lives at home because he is too lazy to fucken get a real salaried job. He works for this guy who does random contract work. Hard stupid work with barely above minimum wage salary. Even one day I remember him asking me if he could work with me since I seem to barely work and get paid a lot. I told him, “yah funny, I barely work, I get paid for doing nothing, and yet my contract keeps renewed randomly because I do nothing.” He is a hypocrite and very idiotic person but my parents love him so much. They got him a car, my dad pays for it and the insurance. They got him a brand new $3000+ bedroom for him and his wife and his own bathroom. He doesn’t pay his student loans cause he is poor and he eats for free.

What about me? I cannot buy anything because my mom says, “save your money, you never know what will happen and you have not finished paying your loans, and maybe you can buy houses or lands in the future.” … funny isn’t it? I pay my loans monthly, I have paid 70% of it and I can easily get a mortgage to buy a house. They don’t understand the concept of mortgage and how easily a working person can get it! Banks and credit cards companies want me to sign up with them for mortgage and credit like I am a millionaire! That’s all I get in the fucken mail! So what did I decide to do with my money? Save it, and put it in stocks and saving bonds. I don’t want to depend on anyone, I don’t trust anyone not even my brother or my parents. If anything happens to me, then everything is under my sister’s name. She is the only person that deserves anything.

So back to my original rant and the reason I am bitching and complaining. I come home and I come into the house and I say hi to the family like I do every day. Today I come in and say hi to my mom, she says hi and then eyes me from up to down and gives me a dirty look. I was like great, here we go again. So I just walked away cause I can’t stand anyone looking at me. Especially her! That’s the reason I don’t sit with her at all. I just sit in my room all day or watch TV in the basement. Then I went back down to see what was cooked for dinner and eat something before I go to the gym. So my mom had deep fried stuff cooked. Simple quick food eh? So I made a sandwich out of it so I can eat. Mom comes into the kitchen and says, “don’t eat that; it’s too fatty and oily. Why you go to the gym then?” I looked at her and said, “you want me to eat your food that you cooked or you want me to go out and EAT. If you think the food is oily and bad for the health then why you cook it! That’s all you cook, when was the last time you made a normal meal. All junk food cause it is quick!”

I was fuming and mad. I just took my sandwich and went upstairs. I just can’t stand this treatment. All this stupidity from parents with backwards mentality. Their preference over a boy, their disbelief of me being a girl who is unmarried and just living at home with no path in life. I mean after a while I will seriously loose my mind. All day today I had a bad headache and my eye kept twitching non stop and turned red. I couldn’t see and the screen on my laptop was fuzzy. So I left work early cause I seriously couldn’t take the pressure in my eye anymore. The physical pain from one side, the emotional inconsiderate pain I receive from my family. I am just so sick of it!

You know what’s funnier. My brother asking me to get a mortgage under my name so he can get a house. Funny isn’t it. I worked for 5 years non stop with no vacations, no life, hateful of my life and everything around me and I easily get asked for money so I can buy him a house.
Funny.. really funny.

Angry, They said what?, Whatever!