A Star from Mosul

I am doing fine.. Time is passing very fast, I can hardly feel it.

The book the electronic engineering prof. recommended turned out to be a very useful one, I just loved it. My problem with the subject therefore has been almost solved, since I read about 120 pages in two days and my brain seriously needs refreshment. I need to get the book back to the library this week and I feel depressed every time I think of this, but hopefully no one else will borrow it and I'll get to borrow it again.

I have managed to organize my time better, I start studying at about 6PM and finish at about 11, in these five hours however, I also have dinner, spend some time with the family, play cards on my mobile (This is the worst addiction ever) and listen to some music. It's very important that when I study, I have a motive, or else it's all in vain and it's better to skip studying altogether, which I do sometimes! And before I sleep, I read "Pride and Prejudice". I have promised myself to read novels before sleeping (if there's electricity) so I would have something to look for everyday after studying. Pride and Prejudice is a very good novel but I feel guilty because I skip tons of words that I do not know the meaning of.

The last half an hour in college I always spend running from place to place with lots of things to do before going home. We always have some lectures, tutorial sheets, or lab experiments to copy. I have twice forgotten things at college this week, I forgot the electronics book in my classroom on Tuesday, and only noticed after we've walked half the way to the university gate, I gave my friend my bag and notes and told her to wait for me in the car, I ran back to college, up to the classroom, down and then back to the gate.. I met one of the prof on the stairs and failed to collect enough breath to salute him! I very much expected a heart attack before getting to the car but I made it okay :)

Yesterday I forgot my mobile, or well, it just fell and I didn't feel it. It spent the day on the lab floor, I wasn't ready to run back to college again.. I had nightmares at night of going to college and not finding it there. I've bought it only two days ago! I found it today safe and sound, thank God.

I went to a book exhibition today, I have been whining and begging my friends to come ever since I read its announcement on Monday.. there were few good English books (Especially on learning English) and many Arabic ones. Then dad and mom picked me up and we went to some shops. Dad had turned on the radio, the streets were very crowded with students and other people, I can't remember the last time I felt so happy.

I'm not feeling like myself, I fear I am changing to be the very kind I hate. I have always been (I think I have, at least) relatively spontaneous and lively, but now I'm putting more thought into what people might think of and say about me than I've ever had. I feel extremely guilty when I ignore some people just so I wouldn't have to stand and talk and be noticed, it's most unwillingly though, and I really hate it. Also, I am most affected by how I do in the quizzes. I didn't have any zeros in the first year but now I've just stopped counting, I haven't even told mom since I don't want her to worry, it'll pass I think.

This whole phase of depression and low energy will pass I hope, I don't want to think of its not passing. The pressure I feel, my need to prove myself and get back my confidence, should be lessened as time passes and less zeros are obtained..

The names of the students accepted in our college were announced, a long list of students with marks not high enough to enter pharmacy, dentistry or medical college! Not one exception. I have no doubt that most of them feel most unlucky to be accepted here. My friend, who have obtained the second highest marks last year told us to get the freshmen away from her because she can't help but scare them away.

Our programming prof did the best job today in making us all lose hope of any future as engineers. He said that if we didn't like it, then we'd better skip college and find a job because that engineering certificate we'll get in three years will do us no good in Iraq.

Two years ago when I applied to my college, I did it because I really liked it, and I did love and enjoy it despite my being extremely tired at times.. I will have two choices when I graduate inshallah: either start teaching at the university and study for my higher education to eventually become a prof and benefit other students, or (which is what I have in mind) get a PhD and start a business.. I admire and appreciate the lecturers at our college for having the heart and patience to teach us, but I can't imagine myself being one.

Those who have no choice will have to work, but it's extremely difficult for engineers to find jobs here in Iraq, they are not appreciated or valued at all. Doctors, dentist and pharmacists however, are immediately deployed in hospitals and can easily open a clinic and start making a living, which is the main reason behind students' attraction to these colleges.

My cousin once joked about how most of the taxi drivers he met are engineers..! It's true, some eventually end up selling clothes or driving taxis.... engineers!

My friends will have to get the freshmen away from me too I think, at least for now.

Labels: college