Lowest point in my life
I was never that fragile, I never reached this limit of depression. have you ever loved someone, and found out that he doesn’t even think of you? All the sacrifices you make and still doesn’t make a difference?… you know what’s worse… your nose bleeding and you crying like a baby every night and not being able to tell anyone or express your feelings!
I can’t describe my feeling! I don’t know what to say! I can’t even tell my best friends… why! because they have their own problems, and such a person that craves attention is not getting a normal person’s level of that. I’ve been acting up weird lately! I spend money on alcohol, I even smoked cigarettes, I was this close to pay a prostitute money for sex. I shaved my head, I listen to music that I thought I’d never listen to, the only exit is dancing under the influence.
I don’t feel like attending classes nor going to work, I don’t even enjoy food, I lost weight without paying attention to that, I don’t drink water, I hyperventilate every night.
The problem is that the person I love would never touch me, we’ve reached a limit where we both think we are close friends. I think about this person day and night! I became a hippy, mockery, whore… you name it!
I reached a level where I question god’s existence, I’m fed up. I’m sick of acting that there’s nothing and everything’s fine. I’m sick of lying! I still ask myself why people hate me. some think that I’m a fake person, well my life’s an open book. I’m 23 years old, chubby hairy middle eastern with a green and a hazel eye. I might be fat and disabled, I might look like shit but I have a heart made out of gold. Once you get to my heart, you get locked in and even If you hurt me, taking you out is like cutting a piece. I’m a romantic sensitive person, I’ve seen a lot and suffered more than what you think. You think growing up in war and as a disabled kid is nice? driving a car was a dream. I come from a middle class family and I grew up in Kuwait but unfortunately never went fishing for gold in the ocean. I became an orphan last month, just to realize that I have an amazing family that I don’t even appreciate.
My teenage days weren’t any cool either, I got into Satanism, I learned the rituals, I’ve seen things that I still get shocked when I remember. I smoked pot, I had sex, what else do you want to know? I went from beings a kid trying to learn the choreography of Step’s “5,6,7,8″ and Spice Girl’s “Who do you think you are?” to freestyle rapping on 2Pac, Easy-E & Dr. Dre tunes then to the rebellious tunes of Korn until I reached Cannibal Corpse.
I’ve been hated for unknown reasons for the past years, I had rap songs written, performed and recorded and even posted online about me, I had people bashing me because I use my “freedom”, Apparently they thought their weak attacks in a blog post would hurt me, attention seekers I call them. They had nothing to post about, they wanted to gain traffic, why not attack that little kid around the block. Too brave! how masculine!
The days of good ol’ stupid Moey are gone. I learned from my sack. I’m still unstable emotionally.
I apologize to both of you, you know who you are. I’ve always been a bitch and never had the guts to say anything, you guys encouraged me.
I need to take a week off, I need to breath fresh air and get out of this depressing town.
Does that make you any better? It doesn’t.
Sphere: Related Content
I know what it feels like, and I know it hurts more than anyone could imagine.
Like I said, take it easy. I’ve never seen you this upset about anything, so it must be serious. You will find someone one day, but for now, try to focus on being independent. I wasted two years on nothing, and I would for that to happen to you. Sure, the reasons weren’t the same at first, but then it sort of was.
I don’t know what more to say on the blog, because I don’t feel like I can deliver the message a hundred percent without looking you in the eye, but Moey, you’re a great person, and if anyone fails to see that, it’s their loss. Trust me.
This is post post depression. Dude.. seriously, go on a vacation. Relax for a bit and clear your mind. I know you try to surround your self with people you love just to feel better, but in reality you need time alone. To escape realism and fathom in the quiet fantasy brake that you need.
Go.. if you post again within a week I will smack you silly! Blog style! So come back in a week refreshed from the crazy life you have been living and start new. You are still young and have a long life ahead of you!
Ok, I won’t comment on what you have up there because you don’t look like you need any comments or advice. Its not the time for them right now. But I just have one thing to say; Even though I have never met you in person, you are a great person.
I know it, and I’m sure a lot of people around you know it. And if you must know, YOU have been an inspiration for me, for a lot of stuff that I won’t mention, but seriously, you are.
So feeling bad about yourself is not the thing you should be doing.
jk
Anyways take a break and throw it all behind you. Relax, and take it easy (Mika style - just to annoy the crap out of u)
Thank god you got all this out of your chest! You are a great person man. No matter what we feel sometimes, we can get up on our feet again and defeat all these depression feelings…
I just can’t believe what people do to themselves!!!
I bet that if you actually DID get together with that person, you will probably get fed up with the relationship way too soon! Obviously the relationship is wrong but you just keep thinking it might work out! Because you are just blinded by the way you see things your own way!!!
I used to get moody and sad in the past about similar situations, but i just discovered it won’t make any diffirence!! So 6ayyez, yeah thats the right attitude, but not in that way!! 6ayyez & live your life and f*#kin have fun out of everyf*#kinthing!!
Get a grip
I feel you bro: http://tooteh.com/2008/05/welcome-to-my-dark-side.html I dont know how to help it so i’m not even going to start suggesting. Feel better
Lets flip the page, we both need it.
try to find comfort in your friends that you neglected for keeping yourself focused on one person. don’t stay alone, see people and get back to your work. make something creative out of pain. turn that switch back on and the light will fill the room.
I am sorry to read what you are going through Moey. I guess you are the only one who can help yourself. Try to let things go and enjoy your life. Don’t curry negative feelings with you. Let it go. Be happy.
I want you to know that we love you so much ( as much as nobody can believe) and very proud of you. In this world there are some ppl I know
how copy you in everything you do. They even eat what you like, not what they like(you know who i mean) you are his idol and believe me not alot of ppl got such a change (to be copied and taken as idol) hehehehehhehehhehehhe cheer up man. LOVE you for ever
Well.. I don’t really know what to say!! :S I just want to say that, it’s not too late, and that even though you didn’t appreciate your family in the past, well… it’s never late to start appreciating them now, I mean, everyone goes through this phase, maybe you took more time to realize that your family does love you, and that deep inside you DO care for them, the important thing right now is that you do love them, and you have to show it!
About all the satanism, drugs.. etc. dude, you were young, and young people try, or want to try, everything, so don’t blame yourself, it’s not that important, you were young.
As for the people that hate you, well… screw ‘em, I’m sure that there are more people who love you and appreciate you!!
Dude, take time, clear your head, and everything’s gonna be fine!!
Dude Dude , What’s going on with you ? , I never saw you like this !! , Take it easy , I know your going through a lot of shit , But believe me it’s not worth it , I used to be lonely , Until i knew some friends , Now my life is better , Don’t you let anything stand in your way , You have a amazing career , A big heart , And a amazing mind , I always seek advice from you , Your amazing , Pleas feel better , Because you just made me feel bad , And i won’t feel better until i know you are , Take few days of work , Call in sick , Whatever! , And get out of amman , Go to aqaba for a couple of days and clear your mind , You need it , Everyone needs it , Seriously as Mona said , Go for it , Better then spending your money on alcohol and other crap.
this is not ‘love’. If it made you reach this stage then it’s definitely not ‘love’. nothing is worth it.. the most important one here is YOU.
The first thing you need to do is scrub those green line out of your face, when you do that you will start seeing a new person, somone that I’m sure you will like.
…if i were u , I would’ve screamed and and bashed and crashed anything in my way lol!u need a time OFF! seriously.
we r there for u:p and we will stick to ur butt forever if we had to 
& u need time for urself and only urself!
re-think, re-innovate, reconsider! good luck dear
*Hug* Hang in there Moey. I’m rootin’ for ya.
shouldnt you sucide ? isnt that what all bloggers end up with ?
[...] That day I had an exam that I couldn’t study for, well… thanks for those who prayed… I passed with 44 out of 60. I still can’t believe it, apparently… I love Art History so much! Thank you S!… I know I can depend on you! [...]
Treat yourself well ,don’t waste time hurting yourself..