Why did I become so complicated? I used to be a simple person, but as I meet new people, they keep telling me that I know so much, I am so smart, and I know too many answers. Why? I don’t know why I know so much. I know so much because I can’t stand living my life day after day not knowing the answers. That’s my problem and always been the problem. I never let things go and let it be. No. I just want to know it all and not live another day not knowing it, and I will get my answers.

That’s what drove me crazy. Really, I became crazy because of the need to find an answer. When I couldn’t find an answer, I became subdued in my own world without a way to get out of it. I do live in my own world. At times I space out and another life goes in my head. A life I want, but only a day dream. I spend my day either watching TV or listening to music and drinking coffee or tea. I became so addicted to drinking coffee that one cup in a sitting is not enough. Two or three are normal. If I didn’t have any I will just lay down and fall asleep faster than a ray of light.

What am I to do? I try time and time again to find a solution to this life I created. I always wonder if I created my life and ended up this way with my own hands, or was it just fate and God wanted it this way, that this is what my life should be. I keep asking my self why me? What did I do in my life to deserve this? I was always good, although I was peer pressured into so many things. I live here, in this side of the world and I forced my self to not do anything wrong and try to live life the way I was raised and screw everything. I think stubbornness was the solution, but now, what do I have left? What did I gain from my stubborn ways, and not listening to anyone but my crazy thoughts?

I even got tired of this site that I told my best friend Lisa (by the way, not her real name) to write instead and keep the site alive. I guess at times I think to my self, “am I the only rebellious one? Is it me or everyone else that need to speak out?” If you need to speak out tell me. I will help get your voice heard.

I never used to talk, and I learned to speak slowly over time. I used to be shy and quiet, and unfortunately naive. I was very naive that I got hit many times by my negligence. I got hit so many times that it woke me up. It woke me up to this nightmare I created and I can’t get out of it. At times I wish I was still naive, simple, and carefree. I try so hard to be like that and go back to the way I was. Have you ever had a solemn dream within a nightmare? I live the nightmare, and dream the impossible dream. That’s what my life has become. I just dream because I got nothing else to do and it gives me a momentary joy that I need.

Moreover, I have been getting so many comments and emails lately of people trying to guide me, help me, or share their experience. I just read and I can’t reply anymore. I can’t even put two words together to answer a noteworthy reply. I just know how to write about my self. How I feel but not reply back to anyone. I know how to write the words that people can’t get out of them. I can write what you can’t. I keep searching all over for someone that can say something beyond the typical what I did today, what I am planning to do, what I ate, what I saw. Till now, I haven’t really found anyone.

I am not here to criticize other bloggers, or other people’s way of expressing them selves. On the contrary, we all have our ways that make us unique. For me, well, I just blew up slowly. I blew up at certain points in my life that I am the way I am today. I tried every possible way to find a way to get the thoughts out. To get all the pain out of me. I tried so many ways, and I resorted to this site. Some people say I am funny. Some say I am honest. Some say I am a good writer. Some say that they can’t believe they are reading an Arab girl’s real thoughts. Is it just an Arab girl’s thoughts? Am I speaking on behalf of what I am or who I am?

The most repeated criticism I get from people is that the reason I write what I write is because I am not married or I suffered from one relationship and had a negative view of things. On the contrary, I just don’t think about that much. Yes, I feel it is a problem or one of the reasons, but I learned to live with it. I learned to accept how life turned out, but I keep asking my self why? I think there is a good reason for everything. Would a person rather be heart broken than divorced? Almost 60% of the people now a days are getting divorced although they were madly in love before. So why bother to get married? I know statistics don’t mean anything, but life has changed. Life changed for all of us that we don’t know what we want. Please don’t sit there and think, “well Mona, I think you are just confused.” Of course I am confused, but aren’t you the same and you come here to read someone else’s confusion?

Honest to God, I think all of us are the same. We all suffer the same problems and are always confused. Some express it differently than others. However, a lot of people confuse me. They keep saying I am over dramatic and they keep coming back to read more. What are you waiting for? Are you waiting for me to snap? I snapped long time ago, so what else you looking for? The result of this insanity?

Do you think that I am making a big deal of things? Believe me, I met people who are 100 times worse than me that I get a headache from listening to the drama. When I listen to them I ask my self, “am I like this? Do people think that way of me?”

I still have this problem of not talking, or not being able to talk. It’s not that I am secretive, but I just don’t know how to talk so I resorted to writing. However, I am tired of writing and I can’t find joy in anything anymore because I don’t have any joy left in me. I try so hard to make others happy so I can feel happy. I don’t know why. I feel happy when I see others happy, and I try so hard in any way possible to do so.

Furthermore, I think my life has become pointless and empty. That’s what most of us fear all our lives; what do we want to do with our life and if we didn’t reach that goal, what’s the point then? I can’t even begin to imagine what I can do with my life because there is no longer a starting point. Just random paths that keep bringing me back to the same endless point. My problem is the voices. The voices in my head that make me scream from agony of what I have become. I don’t know why I ended up like this, and if this is the result of being unhealthy mentality, and not being able to resolve it.

There is no longer a solution, but there is an end to everything right? There has to be or life wouldn’t have made sense at all to begin with.

Anyways, I love listening to this song by Shirine. It’s Arabic, but the words are amazing..

Translation I got from this site:

Sherine Ahmed - I Gotta Live

I wanna pack up my heart
Embrace myself
And go far away
I want to heal my wound
Yes, I will heal my wounds for sure

I want your love to get away from me
I want your wounds to get out of me
I want your love to get away from me
I want your wounds to get out of me

I gotta teach my heart to be tough
And it’s gotta forget
And I gotta live

I was living all my years for you
I said I would live all my time with you
I was loving you a lot my darling
When you were far away I waited for you

I was feeling things I never felt before with you
You were the whole world in my eyes
I was feeling things I never felt before with you
You were the whole world in my eyes

I gotta teach my heart to be strong
And it’s gotta forget
And I gotta live

---

Did you like my writing? Consider subscribing to my RSS news feed or subscribe via email. Want to know what I am doing right now? Then follow me on Twitter. You can also add me to Facebook and chat.